I remember one incident when I went on an unauthorised swimming trip. My parents – as parents were -  did not allow me and my siblings to go for swims in the local popular water bodies, my father firmly declaring that it was dangerous. One fine morning, never realising that it was a Sunday, I went for a ‘morning walk’ with some of my friends. We headed straight for the ‘spot’ at Champhai zawl which was about 4km from my house. Greatly enjoying the water, we forgot all about the danger of returning late and took our time splashing about. By the time we reached home, it was about 10:30 am. My parents were frantic and about 20 people had gathered at our place. They were just about to go in search of us and there we were. Not knowing where we went, they had waited and waited and finally informed some of our close relatives and family friends.

Scared with all the attention and remembering my father’s decree, I entered the house full of apprehension. Expecting to be scolded or even beaten, I along with my friend (who lives nextdoor) were led into the bedroom by my mom. There she made us kneel…I was dead scared. Then she knelt in front of us, put her hands over our heads and prayed. The tears falling from her eyes, thanking the good Lord of our safe return, was more than I could bear. All the relief I felt at not being beaten or scolded was immediately replaced by remorse and guilt. I can still recall that moment vividly.

My parents’ reaction and my friend’s family’s was totally different. Her family really didn’t even bother to know where she was and she didn’t get even a scolding. Maybe they were relying on my mother’s prayers…I don’t know.

When I look back and think, I am really thankful that my parents did what they did. That incident capped by the prayer made a lasting memory, much more than a severe beating would have done. I never went on unauthorised trips after that. However, on a deeper level, the utter remorse I felt at that time must have made a greater impact than I thought. For a long long time I kept as far away from water bodies as possible. A girl who loved water enough to go against her parents wishes do not know how to swim more than ten years later.

This made me think and think and think. Even though I’ve heard it a million times before, I have just woken up to the reality of just how much my childhood influences the way I think and consequently live. This made me thirst for more knowledge and recollections of my childhood days so that I can know myself better. I’ve been trying to know more and overcome sub-concious fears lurking around at the back of my brain…starting with swimming.

I found heaven on Earth
You were my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria

I’ve been alone
When I’m surrounded by friends
How could the silence be so loud
But I still go home knowing that I’ve got you
There’s only us when the lights go down

You are my heaven on Earth
You are my hunger, my thirst
I always hear this voice inside
Singing Ave Maria

Sometimes love can come and pass you by
While you’re busy making plans
Suddenly hits you and then you realize
It’s out of your hands
Baby you got to understand

You are my heaven on earth
You are my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria
Ave Maria
Ave Maria…

I find it so hard to believe that the pain and the hurt I feel right now is a part of His plans for me. How can this be a realisation of the promise to give me ‘hope and a future’? My mind is numb and my heart is cold. I cannot feel. A haze seems to cover everything and there is not enough light to illuminate the air around me. I think I can feel the cold breath of a soul-sucking dementor when my eyes close…I dare not.

I try to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Only darkness. I strain to catch even a glimmer…no speck of hope shines its way to me. However, I try to hold on, telling myself that the darkest hour is just before sunrise. The confirmation arrives from where I least expect it. Someone who knows nothing of what I’m going through told me just now that ‘the things that happen happens for our own good’. I truly believe that this comes from Him, the solace in my time of need.

I’m amazed by His Faithfulness. I’m delighted by His Love. Now I know that I can fully trust my life in His hands. Doubtful creature that I am, there will be times like this when I question His judgment. Though it may be dificult, I will try to hold on to the promise that He made me…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Almost everyone has left for home for the festive season and here I am, stuck in my rented flat, holing out with Mama. My mind cannot even grasp the idea that Christmas is just round the corner. So here I am, sitting in front of the computer, looking for some ‘special’ recipes that will help me in rekindling the nostalgia that I am supposed to feel. Rum punch, roast chicken(our version of a big fat turkey!), apple pies…all I’m thinking of is the amount of reading to be done before this year decides to make way for the new one…

Well, I hope you guys out there are faring much better than I do…Ho Ho Ho…Merry Christmas!!

I have often heard mentions of how keeping a blog updated is a mean task, I never knew the extent of such a comment. I thought I was going to have fun, you know, like writing on stuff which overflows…like it was going to be a pensieve. Guess I don’t need it half as much as Dumbledore did. Anyways, here’s to the new year… I always say, “Better late than never”.

“So this is Christmas…and what have you done…” What have I done? Attended a number of pre-Christmas parties, lengkhawm, etc but what have I done for others? I’m rather ashamed to say thatI can’t think of anything in particular at the moment. My mind rushes back to those days when a few of my siblings and ‘cousins’ would go to nearby villages and distribute whatever meagre goods we have collected from our respective families. Now all I think about is how soon it will all be over and the amount of work that will have accumulated by the time I get back to Delhi.

Rather than thoughts of Christmas, it is the coming year that looms on my mind. I wonder what goes through yours…

WHAT is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?—

No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

One of my favourite poems…what IS this life? All of us rush here and there, everywhere…afraid of not being at some place at some time. What are we really rushing for? Is our lives taken over by this constant need to move around, to be at some happening place at a happening time? Are we giving up ‘life’ in order to be able to live?

With a heavy heart I managed to park myself on the chair about half the length of the class away from the professor’s perch. With a confidence I was not feeling at all I croaked( at least to my ears!) out my paper to the listening pulsing mass of flesh. When the last word left my mouth, I felt a thundering silence envelop my whole body, engulfing me in its comforting  numbness. It was catharsis.

To see the slow smile spread across the lecteur’s face was bliss. The piercing eyes never left my face but I was too relieved to notice…it does not matter anymore!

A burden has been lifted from my shoulders, the stone’s been roll’ed away!!

After successfully opening a blog account, and managing to post a few writeups, I was satisfied. (You see, I did it all on my own…no mean feat!) But this smug feeling was not to last long. The day after my tentative start, that’s yesterday, a friend of mine pointed out certain grounds which I have not covered. This friend(father_sphinx, to be precise) frivolously told me that comments to my blog were held for moderation and certain posts seem to be not where they were supposed to be. I was aghast! (P.S. My blog is not allowed to have deficiencies without my knowledge. Please inform.) I immediately asked him for the remedial actions. But alas! He was having a splitting headache and had to lie sleep it off. So…I was left with no choice but to venture out on my own.

I expertly clicked on the buttons aligning over the top portion of my account. Then I started. Click-pause-back-click-pause…and it went on. I finally had to admit defeat about an hour later.

Today, I was just checking my orkut account and replying to the familiar names, a new scrap arrived. “OK…I’m free now“. Jumping at the chance, I immediately fired off questions as to how to correct my glaring mistakes. I was shown the path to enlightenment. And…I happily walked up the road.

However, I’m not saying that I will stick to this path. After all, I’m only HUMAN.

People who often wonder why, who have had encounter(s) with the ‘alien’ are my mates. People who question ‘Why?’ are my companions…