Archive for Transcendental moments

Down memory lane…

Reading father_sphinx’s blog and going on to some others made me think tonight. The recollections of childhood incidents and the memories they give us contribute a great deal to our perception of life today. Especially mine.

I remember one incident when I went on an unauthorised swimming trip. My parents – as parents were –  did not allow me and my siblings to go for swims in the local popular water bodies, my father firmly declaring that it was dangerous. One fine morning, never realising that it was a Sunday, I went for a ‘morning walk’ with some of my friends. We headed straight for the ‘spot’ at Champhai zawl which was about 4km from my house. Greatly enjoying the water, we forgot all about the danger of returning late and took our time splashing about. By the time we reached home, it was about 10:30 am. My parents were frantic and about 20 people had gathered at our place. They were just about to go in search of us and there we were. Not knowing where we went, they had waited and waited and finally informed some of our close relatives and family friends.

Scared with all the attention and remembering my father’s decree, I entered the house full of apprehension. Expecting to be scolded or even beaten, I along with my friend (who lives nextdoor) were led into the bedroom by my mom. There she made us kneel…I was dead scared. Then she knelt in front of us, put her hands over our heads and prayed. The tears falling from her eyes, thanking the good Lord of our safe return, was more than I could bear. All the relief I felt at not being beaten or scolded was immediately replaced by remorse and guilt. I can still recall that moment vividly.

My parents’ reaction and my friend’s family’s was totally different. Her family really didn’t even bother to know where she was and she didn’t get even a scolding. Maybe they were relying on my mother’s prayers…I don’t know.

When I look back and think, I am really thankful that my parents did what they did. That incident capped by the prayer made a lasting memory, much more than a severe beating would have done. I never went on unauthorised trips after that. However, on a deeper level, the utter remorse I felt at that time must have made a greater impact than I thought. For a long long time I kept as far away from water bodies as possible. A girl who loved water enough to go against her parents wishes do not know how to swim more than ten years later.

This made me think and think and think. Even though I’ve heard it a million times before, I have just woken up to the reality of just how much my childhood influences the way I think and consequently live. This made me thirst for more knowledge and recollections of my childhood days so that I can know myself better. I’ve been trying to know more and overcome sub-concious fears lurking around at the back of my brain…starting with swimming.


The things that happen…

‘Everything happens for our own good’, so they say. And I believe it. So much so that I think I saw God’s hand in everyday occurences. I map my life out, trying to see what His plan for me is. I quote Jeremiah 29:11 as the verse of my life. Yet…

I find it so hard to believe that the pain and the hurt I feel right now is a part of His plans for me. How can this be a realisation of the promise to give me ‘hope and a future’? My mind is numb and my heart is cold. I cannot feel. A haze seems to cover everything and there is not enough light to illuminate the air around me. I think I can feel the cold breath of a soul-sucking dementor when my eyes close…I dare not.

I try to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Only darkness. I strain to catch even a glimmer…no speck of hope shines its way to me. However, I try to hold on, telling myself that the darkest hour is just before sunrise. The confirmation arrives from where I least expect it. Someone who knows nothing of what I’m going through told me just now that ‘the things that happen happens for our own good’. I truly believe that this comes from Him, the solace in my time of need.

I’m amazed by His Faithfulness. I’m delighted by His Love. Now I know that I can fully trust my life in His hands. Doubtful creature that I am, there will be times like this when I question His judgment. Though it may be dificult, I will try to hold on to the promise that He made me…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

What is this life?

Leisure (W.H.Davies)

WHAT is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?—

No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

One of my favourite poems…what IS this life? All of us rush here and there, everywhere…afraid of not being at some place at some time. What are we really rushing for? Is our lives taken over by this constant need to move around, to be at some happening place at a happening time? Are we giving up ‘life’ in order to be able to live?

The first time…

Crazy it may seem…but the first time was when I was about 5 or so. My grandfather passed away a year before. It was a sunny day. A light breeze was billowing through my childish locks as I gambolled along with my carefree friends. Suddenly, I was filled with this inner urge, a longing, for what I don’t know. As I lifted my eyes towards the sky, I felt my granpa’s eyes on me and I can almost swear that I saw his benign face etched in the passing clouds. I felt an emotion so deep I don’t know how to describe it. All I remember is that it made me smile. At that moment, it dawned on my innocent heart that wherever I may be, Granpa will always be somewhere close.